At a crossroads

That's where Michael and I find ourselves right now...at a crossroads. Since the second miscarriage back in December (2008), I have done a total of 4 more Clomid & IUI cycles and nada...well, actually we did have mutiple follicles and really good sperm counts each time, but none of those cycles ended up in a pregnancy. If I was in my twenties (or even early thirties) I would say, "Just give it a chance", but at 42 (almost 43) I just don't feel like I have alot of time to sit back to wait and see what happens. Given this state of quandry, we asked to meet with my doctor to explain how we were feeling and see what, if any, advice/recommendations he could give us.

So, last Wednesday, Michael and I found ourselves at my doctor's office waiting for what seemed like days (1 1/2 hours to be more specific) watching the myriad of ladies (most all of whom were very pregnant) waltz in and out of the doors to the exam rooms. At one point there was a lady sitting on the couch in the waiting room who was talking rather loudly to her mother and complaining about how she couldn't take the pain of being pregnant (evidently her baby was pushing really hard on her ribcage) and how dare her husband for getting her knocked-up (her words, not mine) again. I looked over at my husband who also heard this wordy exchange and told him that I would trade places with her in a split second. He looked at me and softly said, "I know you would." After sitting there for all that time looking at all the pregnant women and questioning in my mind, "Why not me, Lord?", they called us back.

Let me just tell you (as Teresa from the Real Housewives of New Jersery would say) I love, love, love my doctor. I have been coming to him since I was a freshman in college and he has got the best bedside manner ever. There has never been a time when I felt like he didn't want to hear what I had to say or was bothered by me asking questions. He was kind and empathetic during my miscarriages and he is the doctor that delivered my son so in my mind, he's a gem.

We sat down and explained our frustration and disappointment at our lack of conceiving. I cried as I told him that I felt that the miscarriages were somehow my fault (like I had waited too late in life to TTC again or maybe I shouldn't have had that morning cup of coffee right after I found out I was pregnant this last time). He handed me tissues and sat there and listened and reassured me that the miscarriages were nothing I caused. I guess in my heart I knew that too, but hearing him say it made me feel better. After Michael and I pour our hearts out to him, he told us that there were other things that could be done to help us "amp up" the process of trying to get pregnant. He looked through my file and noticed that it had been over a year since I had my blocked tube cleared. While he really didn't think that the tube was blocked again, he felt like it wouldn't hurt to take a look and see just to make sure. We agreed. So, tomorrow, I am scheduled to have a hysterosalpingogram (better known as an HSG) to see whether or not my fallopian tubes are still open. For those of you who don't know, an HSG is usually done in a hospital's radiology department. There, they inject a radioactive dye into your uterine cavity and fill it up. If the fallopian tubes are open, the dye will flow throw the tubes and spill into the abdominal cavity. Sounds like a fun way to spend a Friday, doesn't it?!

Anyway, I want to let you all know that I am not a wuss when it comes to pain or uncomfortableness. In fact, I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. But, let me tell you...the last time I had an HSG, I thought I was going to die!! You see, if your tubes are clear, there's no problem...dye goes in, dye flows freely, hence no pain. HOW-EV-ER, if you do have a blockage, the dye hits a roadblock. In most instances, the power of the dye being pushed into your tube often will clear the blockage (think Roto-Rooter), but in my case it did not (which I found out instantly due to the excruciating pain that went searing through my lower parts). Honestly, if I could have kicked my sweet everloving doctor in the face, I would have. Instead, I just laid there on the cold x-ray table with tears running down my face and screamed for him to stop. Thankfully, he did.

So while I am eager to know if my tube is blocked again (and thus a possible cause as to not being able to get pregnant this time around), I am NOT looking forward to the the HSG and a repeat of sadistic roto-rooting 101. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.