Where it began

The Neil Diamond song, "Sweet Caroline" begins just like that. You probably know the words..."Where it began, I can't begin to know when..." For me, actually I do know where my Trying To Conceive (TTC) journey (for child #2) began - -it was December 2007. My husband and I were of the naive belief that since we were now ready to have another baby that BOOM! it would happen. I mean, after all, that's how it happened with our son. That scenario played out like this:

1. Married for two years (good time to start a family, and besides we were already in our thirties)
2. Take last birth control pill and do not get a refill
3. Figure it's going to take a few months to get pregnant so enjoy the sex and throw caution to the wind, but hey just for good measure, after a night of mexican food and margaritas, prop hips up on a pillow after doing the deed
4. Have what I thought to be a really light period and didn't give pregnancy a second thought (especially since we were in the middle of a house move and I had too many other things on my mind)
5. Move into new house and mention to my friend that my boobs were really sore (having never been pregnant before I didn't give much thought about the "girls" and figured I had lifted a heavy box during the move and leaned it too hard on my chest)
6. While at grocery store with same friend, get talked into purchasing a home pregnancy test with the bread and sandwich meat
7. Go home, and almost before the pee hit the stick...see two blazing dark lines BINGO! we are pregnant
8. Boy, was that ever easy!
9. Fast forward to 6 years later...you ain't kiddin', so what's wrong now????

After 4 more months of trying to get pregnant, we realized that we might have a problem (and mexican food and margaritas were simply not doing the trick this time). So, off to the doctor I went. Due to my "age" the doctor suggested that perhaps we rev up my insides and try an ovary stimulating drug a.k.a. Clomid. And we did, and it did the appropriate ovary revving and we even added to that revving by doing an intrauterine insemination (IUI) for good measure...no pregnancy.

Hmmm, okay, let's try it again the next month, still no pregnancy.

Let's take a look at the tubes...AHA! we've got a blockage. Can't clear it with dye being injected into the tubes, so let's try and cut on you a bit and see what we find out. Well, we find out that the blockage cannot be fixed that way either. Double hmmmm! Okay, let's stick a skinny little wire in your tube and see if we can dislodge the blockage that way...mission accomplished!!! Tube is cleared!

Let's do the Clomid/IUI thing again. We do and VIOLA! we get pregnant.

Michael and I were thrilled that we were going to have a baby again. We told everybody (inlcuding our son) and couldn't wait for our first ultrasound. At that appointment however, we were hit with some disturbing news. I was measuring approx. 2 weeks behind (not a good scenario). However, my doctor told us that this scenario could go one of two ways. 1. The pregnancy would wind up not being viable, or 2. We just had a little slow poke in there and in two more weeks, the baby would catch up. Either way, he recommended that we wait it out, and so we did.

Two weeks later, the ultrasound showed us a sweet little bean measuring only 2 days behind and there it was...a little flickering heartbeat on the screen! Our prayers had been answered. We left the doctor's office that day on cloud 9! Little did we know how short lived our excitement would be. Within 24 hours after seeing the baby's heartbeat, I started spotting, then bleeding and wound up in the local emergency room miscarrying and had to have an immediate D & C. There was no apparent reason as to why I miscarried, it just happened. Words cannot express how absolutely devastated we were...especially having to tell everyone (including our son) that the baby was gone. My birthday was just 6 days later, but there was no celebration.

We decided to try again, and after the doctor gave us the okay, we did. That month we did not get pregnant, but the very next month (just two months after the miscarriage) we were pregnant again! Praise God! This time, everything seemed to be looking great. The first ultrasound showed the baby measuring right on target and once again there was that little heart flicker! What joy to see that! We felt comfortable in telling our son again and a few close friends. I mean after all, things were looking good, right? Or so we thought. Never in a million years did I think that when we went back for our second ultrasound there was going to be a problem. How wrong I was. Our baby had stopped growing shortly after the first ultrasound 3 1/2 weeks earlier. How in the world could this have happened again? WHY? WHY? WHY? I was numb. Once again we had to share the horrible news with our family and friends. On the morning of New Year's Eve, I was at the hospital having my child being taken away from me...AGAIN. There was no happy ringing in the year 2009 for us. I spent the next month and a half in a fog.

After the second loss, my doctor ran all sorts of "recurrent miscarriage" testing. The results...NORMAL. I remember thinking on one hand that's a good thing, but on the other hand I wanted there to be something "wrong" (but fixable of course) so I would have an answer as to why this was happening to me. No such "luck" if you want to call it that.

And thus, here were are with my saga of secondary infertility and the dreaded A.M.A. (Advanced Maternal Age) to boot! WOO-HOO! Yea, right?!!

Although my story of becoming a mother again is beginning with frustration, sadness, and loss, I am totally placing my faith in the Lord that my ending will be filled with joy, thanksgiving and the celebration of life.

This is the story of my journey to that end (and well actually, a new beginning too)...thank you for following along with me.