I'll Get Through This

Tomorrow is the big day...our first ultrasound.

I should be ecstatic, but that is not the word to describe how I am feeling for sure.

You see, when I had my first miscarriage, we went for our first ultrasound and I was measuring almost two weeks behind (not good). We waited another two weeks and when we went back for that ultrasound, we had a heartbeat...praise God. However, that very same evening, I started to cramp and spot and withing 24 hours I went from being overjoyed at the doctor's office to being in an emergency room miscarrying our child and having a D & C.

With my second miscarriage, we went for our first ultrasound and we saw a heartbeat immediately and measured only 2 days off (no big deal). We felt a sigh of relief and thought this was going to be totally different...everything was going to be okay. I rocked along for another 3 weeks with no visible problems, no spotting, no cramping, etc. Then the day came for our follow-up ultrasound and there it was...NO HEARTBEAT. We lost this baby too. Needless to say, we were completely devastated and spent New Year's Eve day in a surgical center as I underwent my second D & C in less than 4 months.

And so now, here I am just one day away from my first ultrasound with this pregnancy, and instead of feeling giddy and anticipatory, I am feeling anxious and worried. Will there be a heartbeat? Will I measure on track? Will I spot and miscarry after having the ultrasound done?

Questions I know cannot be answered since the future of this babe inside my womb has already been determined, but as a human I am weak and so I question.

What I do know is that I will get through this...my fear, my worry, my doubts, my questioning. Because deep down I know that the Lord will carry me through just has He has done in the past and just as He continues to do now and will forever more!