Date With An Angel

Now is not your time, little one
Though it seemed your life had just begun.
I've learned before about these things
Sometimes even the tiniest angels get their wings.
~ Part of a poem written by Sarah Kelly

I have been dreading this day for quite awhile. I mourned the loss of my baby when my miscarriage happened and I am mourning the loss all over again.

Today, July 31st, is the due date of my second angel baby.

It was so hard for me to believe when I lost the first baby last August and I never ever imagined that just a few months later I would be faced with yet another loss...another child taken away from me. Two babies gone in the blink of an eye, and all I had left to remember them by were their ultrasound pictures. Of course, forever etched in our minds is the memory of seeing those flickering heartbeats on the screen, but the shiny paper ultrasound images are the only tangible things I still have.

To tell you the truth (and, you know I will), I would really like to forget most of last year (2008). However, that would mean me forgetting that I was going to be a mommy again (even if it was only for a brief moment in time), and I don’t want to do that…you know, forget. And then I realize, how could I ever forgot? You don’t ever forget.

In fact, I have always wanted a way to be able to honor and remember my angel babies. For months, I tried to figure out what would help me do that. Then one day, I checked the mail, grabbed the pile inside my mailbox and came across a catalog that mainly promoted address labels.

Normally, I chalk such catalogs off as junk mail and trash them immediately, but, well, just between us here, I really had to use the bathroom and so after I got inside the house I grabbed this catalog as a “quick read”...now c’mon, don’t act like you all haven’t done the same thing because I know you have...LOL!

Anyway, as I was flicking through the pages, there it was…the perfect something I was looking for and I had finally found it. See…

There among the pages of address labels and what-nots was this beautiful statue. How absolutely appropriate. This statue captured exactly how I want to always picture my babies...resting in angel's wings.

I shared what I had found in the catalog with Michael and he too thought it was just perfect, so I ordered it. We plan on burying the pictures of our babies in a special spot in our front flower bed and marking it with this sweet angel baby.

I know we have all heard it before...grief takes time. Unfortunately, there is no definitive time line in dealing with grief - no set beginning and no set end. It's different for different people, and one needs to move on at one's own pace. Although on the outside (to my friends and family) I may seem just fine, on the inside there's a part of me that still feels empty.

All these months later, I still can't tell you that I have found closure. There's never closure when you lose a child no matter the circumstances. But in some small way, this precious statue has helped me to find a certain peace within. Looking at it reminds me of the Bible verse found in Exodus 23:20 (NIV). "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared."

I still don't know what's in store for us as far as conceiving, but I do know I will see my babies again. Just knowing that does bring a smile to my face despite my heart feeling so very heavy on a day like today.

Most importantly, I absolutely KNOW that my future is in God's hands and I will trust in His word..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

What a wonderful promise.